Birthday depression // dumped on my birthday

Today is my birthday (hooray…) and it still is for a couple of minutes. I didn’t do anything today, neither spent time with my boyfriend nor my friends and family. Not by choice. Not really, at least. It all started yesterday…

Growing up I always had incredibly high expectations of my birthday. I imagined my mum bringing me breakfast to bad, not having to go to school, getting exactly what I want when I want it. Of course, this was never the case and while I usually had a decent birthday it was never enough for me. I got older and became terrified of my birthdays. I knew that it was a day where technically I could get everything I wanted but realistically I knew this wasn’t going to happen. I got older and delved into birthdays that aren’t fun anymore. Like actually being allowed to smoke and drink at 18 – how boring. Or not being a teenager anymore when getting 20. To simply getting a year older being reminded of everything my life is not.

Pity Party
Last painting I finished, ‘Pity Party’

To be clear, I don’t have super-high expectations of my birthday anymore. Would I be happy if 20 friends threw me a surprise party with cake and strippers? Yes. But I would be sad on the inside too. No matter what happens. That’s why I wanted it to be a normal day this year around. Spending time with my boyfriend, going to dinner with him and my family and then meeting a couple of friends for drinks at night. Whoever shows up, shows up. If I’m sitting there with him and no one else came that’d be fine too. Low-key I guess. And I feared I would end up sad anyways.

I was right, I am back to sad me. My birthday, more than any other day, reminds me of all the things I have done and the things I haven’t done. I am grateful for the life I have, I truly am. But I am also sad about what my life isn’t. Like me slowly gliding into a regular work-life situation. Do I want to become a 9-to-5 kind of person? I’d rather be homeless. I am reminded of friends who moved to different places round the world chasing their dreams. I am happy for them for doing this. But in the end I am also sad that everyone seems to vanish. I am still in my more-or-less-hometown and I am usually happy with it. I like the people, my job and my university life which is soon to be over – clue the violin music! But would I have chosen this place to live? Probably not. And now I am too scared to move anywhere else for various reasons. But most of all, what if me going somewhere else doesn’t pay off? What if I don’t find my happy place? What if everything gets worse as it usually does?

Quotefancy-46124-3840x2160

I dreamed a little bit on my birthday and after drowning the pain in wine I almost didn’t feel sad anymore. And thought about what life could be and what I could do. So, why don’t we quit our jobs and travel the world, work as baristas and chase destiny?

One thing I know is that I always feel sad around the time of my birthday. I know that my boyfriend hates that. I realize that I can’t disregard his feelings just cause it’s my fucking special day. But I can’t fake a smile when I don’t feel like it no matter what cake I get.

So, we got into a fight but I won’t get into details. That wouldn’t be fair just telling my side of the story. But I guess he kind of broke up with me. To be honest, I’m not sure. We talked and screamed, I left the apartment, I came back, I cried, we talked, we were desperate and I left again. He wanted my keys back and I guess that says something. But to be honest, I am not sure where we stand now. I don’t think a long relationship ends in one day.

I have my troubles
Artwork by Melody

I also know I’ve pissed a lot of people off, my family for sure for cancelling dinner. But other than that, I really can’t say what’s going on right now. I guess I wished for life not to be boring so I got not boring. Damn you, karma.

I ended up spending my day working and sleeping. I really didn’t want that. But maybe I am the reason everything turned out this way. Now all I can do is write it down in hopes I can forget about it. I never thought I’d share anything this personal online, but fuck it.

Later Addition
It’s been a couple of days now, I’m far from feeling great but I am doing better as things fall back into place again. Something wonderful happened that strengthened my believe in life, fate and humanity. As it is a complex story on its own, I will write about it next week or so. I’m excited to be able to end this post on this positive note.

You can find the follow-up post here!

Title photo by June Kweh

Suggested further reading:
Even with depression anything is possible
Eating & Depression (hit very close to home!)
Holy Birthday
Bloggers Block

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5 thoughts on “Birthday depression // dumped on my birthday

  1. I’m sorry that this happened to you. I’ve had a few pretty (similar) lousy ones too (to put it kindly), and this prompted me to recall them. I don’t think it’s silly whatsoever to get upset about your birthday not being all you had hoped for – we may get 90 years on this earth, which is roughly 32,873 days (taking account leap years, of course), and of those only 90 of those days are OUR special day and ours alone. That’s the equivalent of roughly 3 months of days out of a potential 1080. There are plenty of other days out there to be a dick to someone and ruin someone’s day, their birthday should not be one of them. I personally think that you should keep on expecting all those great things you deserve on your whole whopping 90ish days you get in your lifetime.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First I hope that the post didn’t make you recall details from lousy birthdays – probably best to move on from those I guess. I try not to have too high expectations for my birthday anymore, but I still want it to be a ‘special’ day and I know that what happened this year wasn’t okay. At least it will be pretty easy to have a better birthday next year. Maybe I will have a really good birthday in the future, who knows. Now I rather try not thinking about it too much cause it still makes me sad.

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      1. They’re well in the past 🙂 They were a great learning opportunity for me – I learned that the people that caused such strife for me (especially on my special day! lol) had no part being in my life and that I should set my expectations higher. Next year will be a good one for you I’m sure of it xo

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